The feeling that shouldn't exist for us
by Kurotsuki-Tenchi
Summary: Shirotsuki-Tenchi: Ulquiorra's and Grimmjow's thoughts about a certain feeling that shouldn't exist for Arrancars, follow their point of view as they ponder the strange phenomenon that have consumed their every waking moment. Drabble GrimmjowXUlquiorra
1. Thoughts of a couple of psychos

**(READ THIS! If you don't the story will be slightly confusing!) Authors note: **It is another story by me Shirotsuki-Tenchi though it's more of a drabble then anything. It's Grimmjow's and Ulquiorra's thoughts over a certain emotion that shouldn't exist for Arrancars. It's slightly angst even though I don't like that genre very much, it has a very angst ring to it. Grimmjow is speaking to himself mentally, almost as if he's addressing another person. Where Ulquiorra is talking to an imaginary Grimmjow, because there is no way he'd tell that kind of stuff to the real one. I haven't decided if I want to make this a one shot or a three part story, review and tell me what you think I should do!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach, but I do own this small fic of Grimmjow's and Ulquiorra's thoughts. Well it's better then nothing, would've preferred Ulquiorra myself.

* * *

It wasn't everyday that an Espada falls in love, especially one such as me.

Love is a useless emotion that should not exist for anyone inside of Las Noches, where we're all murderers and cannibals. Because how else did we get to where we are today? Love shouldn't be possible for murders and psychopaths, no tender emotion should.

So how is it that I Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez have found myself in love? And no not the crushy kind of love that many gush about, no it's the kind of love that slowly eats away at you and consumes your every thought. It like the apocalypse had came, even if the world hasn't ended yet. Though I find myself wishing it would.

If anyone had told me that someday I'd fall in love, I would've laughed in their faces. If anyone told me who I would fall in love with I'd have ceroed them into oblivion. But nothing could've prepared me for this, for this painful and annoying feeling.

How do I know this is love and not infatuation or lust? There is a few things that are independent to this supposedly happy emotion.

(1) You fell the need to protect them, even though you want to hurt them yourself. I know I do, I want to kill him for fueling this emotion though it wasn't entirely his fault.

(2) Becoming possessive is another sign, the mere thought of anyone touching the one you love makes rage boil in your chest. The thought that anyone other then yourself injuring them pisses you off to no end.

(3) You feel the need to be gentle with them, even though it's countered by the need to be rough. Even if you don't know how to be gentle you try to be just for them.

(4) You want to know every facet of their being, even going so far as to stalk them and learn about them when they won't tell you anything about themselves.

Love isn't the emotion they portrayed it to be... It isn't magical, it doesn't make me feel warm and it sure as Hell isn't a gift. It's a painful emotion, one that I'd rather destory. It eats away at you, and if the object of this particular emotion doesn't have a clue? It just hurts that much worse, even more for me. Because the one I love is also the one I hate, Ironic isn't it?

How can you love and hate someone at the same time you ask? It's possible trust me, I'm suffering from it. Thankfully he doesn't recognize that pesky emotion mixed in with my hate. I don't know where I'd be if he knew... Probably in a box 6ft under. And I don't want to have a headstone reading 'Here lies Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, killed because he loved the bastard he hated'.

So yes I love him, but I also hate him which made it so much worse. I want to kill him part of the time, while the rest of the time I want to posses him. I want to break him in half and then be the one to put him back together. Some might think that twisted but it's what I feel, I am a moral less bastard after all. Isn't that what Arrancars are?

So I have a love hate relationship and it sucks. I want to break him in half and then I want to hold him softly. I want to cero his head off at the same time I want to press our lips together. See stupid! It's such a fucking contradiction, nothing makes sense with this emotion.

It's useless and gets me nowhere, and it's the true reason I can't end his life. Though him being stronger then me might also contribute to his continued existence. But I would never try to truly kill him, just the though causes pain in my chest, it's so annoying.

I hide my love behind my hate, there is a fine line between them anyway. And I will continue to fight this emotion as much as possible. Though lately it seems like a futile attempt. It took me literally weeks to come to terms with this feeling, it took weeks to finally emerge from the denial I had been swimming in. So I hide behind my mask of rage and hate, trying to keep this emotion from getting in my way. I fight him, I yell at him, and I intentionally ignore his orders. After thinking about it and coming to grips with a few things I didn't like about myself I figured out why I rebelled him so much. It's to get his attention focused on me and no one else. I challenge him, insult him, just for the chance to meet his emerald gaze.

When I had first met him it was instant dislike. He was emotionless following Aizen's orders like a machine. His black hair bothered me because it was too long and shaggy. His eyes were to green, almost as if they were all knowing. His skin was too pale, almost as if he was already dead and the tear marks down his face? The made him look like a sissy.

But as I argued with him, and fought his ever order I found my thoughts on him changing. His long black shaggy hair started to become attractive. The emerald eyes became fascinating and the tear marks intriguing. I found myself wanting to put emotions on the blank slate that was his face, wanted to make that deathly pale skin flush. I find myself drawn to his figure, he was slightly shorter then me with a thin build. I like the fact that I can look down on him, makes me feel like I have some power over him. And I like his slim build, almost as if he'd fit against my own frame. I didn't want to feel like this, these thoughts slightly disturbing to me.

Though it seems that lately my need to touch him is becoming stronger. The need to touch, feel, take becoming more out of control. I want to attack him, to feel our skins slide against each others. But even I know that it would be literal suicide to even try to touch him. So I'm going to curb my urges, hold myself back and hope that this feeling passes. Because I don't want to touch him even though I do. Doesn't make sense does it? Love seldom does after all.

So yes I do realize I love that emotionless bastard, but who said anything about accepting it? I'm going to fight this reaction until it's gone, even if I have to die first to achieve it.

* * *

You don't think I know... you don't think I know about those feelings you hide deep down. But it's as clear as day to me, even though there is only night in our sunless world. You try so hard to keep your expression blank but I see right through it, almost like glass. Your face is like a blank canvas, your thoughts painting themselves across your features.

Those feelings are visible to me, though you don't know. I know they exist, and I know how hard you try to crush them. It's no use however, there is no way you can succeed where I Ulquiorra Sciffer have failed.

You try to hide it with hate, disdain, but I see it as clearly as you do. I notice the looks you give me with you think no one's watching, I notice the subtle changes in your body as I move pass. The need to touch me almost as strong as my need to touch you.

I don't hate you, your not worth that much trouble. So why do I feel for you the same feeling you try so hard to bury? I don't know, and I might never know. This feeling has no right to infect me and yet it has, and the at the center of it all stands you.

How do I know this is the real deal and not some cheep knockoff? You probably figured it out much like I did, trying to recognize what separated it from the other emotions that are foreign to us.

(1) Protectiveness goes both ways, though you don't realize it. I don't want to protect you, I need to. There is a big difference even though I fight the urge.

(2) Possessiveness also goes both ways though I'll never admit it. The thought of someone touching you makes me act in ways not like myself at all.

(3) Gentleness, yet another foreign concept to Arrancars that I feel the need to show. I hold it off however, no need to let you know.

(4) Understanding is another concept that has shown itself lately, wanting to know what makes you tick. You're so easy to read though It isn't too difficult to find what I want. Your face tells me all I want to know, especially when you're trying so hard to hide it.

So how do I find myself with this useless emotion? I ask myself that everyday as I watch you. You don't realize how much I stare at you, hoping to decipher the reason you have such a hold over my emotions. Why it had to be you that captured my attention and held it, eludes me. That one such as yourself can be more then just trash in my opinion.

Does the thought of my having feelings surprise you? It shouldn't, everything that lives have emotions. Even Hollows. You however are completely unaware of my own burden and I want to keep it that way. I don't want to explore this emotion, though I fear I will have to eventually.

So I close my emotions off from the outside world, it's not as uncommon as you think. I close them off so they won't interfere with my work, Aizen-sama needs my cooperation and as on of his subordinates I will do as told. Even if I don't agree with what he orders me to do, I will fulfill my duties.

Did you know when I first met you I dismissed you and only though of you as trash? I didn't see my mistake until it was too late. Your wild teal hair didn't surprise me, and your blue eyes didn't phase me. The green markings under your eyes seemed like make up and your tanned skin seemed foreign compared to my own pale skin. Your grazed grin made me sigh in annoyance, while your rebelliousness made me shake my head in disdain.

Though now everything has changed. I want to run my fingers though that wild teal mane of hair to see if it is as soft as it looks. The intensity of your blue eyes draw me in, the green markings underneath just adding to the appeal. That crazed grin sends shivers up my spine while your rebelliousness seemes amusing. And I really want to see if that tan covered your entire body. Your body intrigues me, from your height to your muscles to your Hollow's hole. You tower over me and I find I like it, I like knowing that even if I am physically smaller then you I'm still stronger. I want to run my fingers over your muscles so I can commit them to memory. I don't wish to feel this way, just as I'm sure you didn't ask to feel the same way.

I didn't ask for it and I'm sure that you didn't either, but we're both stuck with it whether we want it or not and I fear we will always be stuck with it. No amount of time can erase the strength of these emotions, I fear only death can wipe them from existence.

Though there is a chance of being reborn with these feelings, not a happy though now is it? Just thinking about feeling like this even after death bothers me, don't I deserve an escape? Though as Arrancars that killed and consumed to get to where we are today not much is undeserving of us.

So I will go on with this feeling that most label as love, and continue to behave as if you are trash to me. Neither of us wanted this so both of us will fight it. Though as days go by I can't help but feel it's inevitable... You and me. Us.

End


	2. Thoughts of a psycho couple

**Authors note:** Here is chapter 2 of my story which has a very long name, it's just as angst as the last chapter so look out. I would like to thank my two reviewers that actually reviewed! Thanks Crazykk2 and 123HappyFrog! You guys are great so here is chapter 2 just for you! Grimmjow is still talking to himself mentally while Ulquiorra is still speaking to an imaginary Grimmjow, hope you enjoy! Only one more chapter after this!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach, nor Ulqui-Kun or Grimmy-Kun. I do own this fic of their very depressing and angst thoughts, so I guess it'll have to do.

* * *

Do you know these feelings for him that I tried to hide? Well I learned that they were mutual. Yes, the emotionless extraordinaire felt the same way for me that I felt for him. Not much of a victory though, especially when he liked that annoying emotion almost as much as me.

So we gave it a chance, let each other know what we felt for each other. We both knew that we couldn't deny these emotions forever, even though I tried. I somehow knew that I'd have to accept them eventually, I don't even think death could've deterred this feeling known as love.

I still hate him you know, even as I say I love him every time we're together. He knows this, just as I know that he doesn't care for me. If it weren't for this emotion we'd have nothing between us, nothing but disdain and dislike. But we do have it, so we go through it one day at a time.

No one knows about this affair we've created, and no one will know. Both of us wants to keep it this way, I know that both of us never wanted to know. Neither of us wanted each other, we needed each other. So here we are, in each others embrace against our wills.

We show concern for each other though we don't want to, and we help each other though we'd rather not. I ask things of him, hoping to learn more about him. He does the same for myself though we both know we don't want to. I don't want to know about him, I don't even like him. Well except for this 'love' thing, it makes me need to know not want to know.

I feel possessive of him, to the point that I despise when Yammy talks to him. I know it's an irrational reaction but I can't help it, panthers are very territorial and I share my release form with them. Making me unbearably territorial, to the point that others has begun to notice. Thankfully they are all to dense to figure out why, that and I hide the true reason.

I also feel the need to protect him, even though as the fourth Espada he's physically stronger then myself. I find myself tensing when anyone badmouths him, and I mentally growl at them. I don't attack them, don't want them finding out now do we? And when anyone challenges him for the fourth spot? I just want to beat the daylights out of them, though I never try.

Gentleness is another facet of my being that I've never experienced, I'd randomly feel the oddest urge to be gentle to the emotionless Espada. For some reason I find myself cuddling him while I purr, it's weird and I'm not the only one who thinks that. I get the oddest stare from those flat green eyes when I give in to the urge, but I just growl at him before continuing. How can I explain it to him when I myself have trouble figuring out why I do it.

I find I like his skin the most, the pale smoothness attracts me to it. I enjoy rubbing my hands against it, though I know I shouldn't. Making it flush though is the largest accomplishment I get, especially when it's not only his face that turns a deep red. Though he too feels the need to run his hands over my skin, he seems fascinated with my muscles. He'd run his hands over them, almost as if he was categorizing each and every one.

His eyes also draw me in, they seem to spark every now and then with emotion though you have to be looking to see them. They literally glow in the darkness, and being able to rip them out? For some reason I find that attractive, though I really shouldn't find self mutilation attractive in any way.

His black hair also attracts me, I find myself running my hands through his hair compulsively. It's silky, almost like velvet. I also like tangling it up, just to see him get slightly mad over the trouble he'd have to go through to get the knots out. I don't know why I enjoy making emotions run across his face, I guess it's because he doesn't let anyone else.

I also find that the tear marks entice me, the mysteriousness of them draws me like moth to flame. I find myself running my tongue over them, though I do it mostly just because he hates it. Says he doesn't like the feel of saliva on his cheeks, though he doesn't say anything about my tongue itself.

Did I mention his power? Knowing that he's stronger then me and could kill me at any second excites me, almost like playing a deadly game of chicken. He has so much power and yet it is I who leads in our relationship, I who lays claim to him. He fights of course, though not enough to actually defeat me. He fights just enough to excite us both, making it more of a fight then anything derived from a tender emotion such as love.

I find I love marking his skin, bruises, bite marks, scratches, you name it. Though he does the same to me, I can't even count the tear marks from his nails I have down my back. And my neck always looks like I was attacked by a rabid wolf, bruised and bleeding. Though Ulquiorra himself never looks much better, it's almost as if it's compensation for finding ourselves in this mess to begin with.

We both take pleasure and pain from this doomed relationship, and it practically mutilated our pride. But that's what love does, especially if it's the kind I find myself trapped in. Though it's a cold comfort that I am not the only one to suffer from this, I take pleasure in knowing he too suffers like me.

So we both go along with this thing we call love, only because we got tired of fighting it. Taking comfort in the fact that I wasn't the only one to suffer through this emotion. It makes me feel like this relationship had a chance, even though we both know that it doesn't. It's doomed to fail eventually, because our feelings will eventually fade away. No emotion is strong enough to withstand the call of time, all I have to do is wait for that time to come.

* * *

I told you, it ate me up inside until I had to confront you over it. The surprise and fury you displayed when I told you I knew what you felt and what I myself felt was refreshing. I knew that neither of us wanted this but we got it, trapped in this relationship that had no chance.

I opened up and let you in, and you did the same. Even if you didn't realize you let me in, even if it was against your wishes I'm in and this is where I'll remain. So we got together, even knowing that it's the least thing we wanted. We needed this connection, completely against our wills.

I know you still hate me, even when you say you don't anymore. I know that, and I still feel that you don't deserve the energy from me to hate you. If it wasn't for this emotion I wouldn't even be bothered by you, there would be nothing between us. But this emotion exists, and I work my way through each day at a time.

We've kept it a secret from all of those around us, not even me nor you want to know about this mess we've found ourselves in. I didn't want you in any shape or form, but I need you in as many ways possible. I go through every day with this knowledge, knowing it can't be changed.

I feel concern for you though I don't want to, and I find myself assisting you when needed. Neither of us asked for that, but it can't be changed. We already came this far, there's no turning back now. I confide in you my deepest secrets just as you do to me, needing to learn as much about you as possible. I don't like you knowing everything about you, just as I'm sure you don't like learning about me.

I also found that I'm extremely possessive of you, just the though of anyone touching you makes me want to kill them. When others talk to you as if they were friends to you I feel the need to cero them, to make sure they don't get near you. I don't think you'd like it if I suddenly ceroed all of your fraccion. I also know that you get very possessive of me, you are a very territorial creature after all.

Protectiveness is another thing I find annoying, especially because you can take care of yourself. It gets annoying though when others challenge you, and I want to attack them for even thinking of it. And when Aizen releases his reiatsu on you? It makes me want to attack our leader, which as one of his faithful subordinates is not acceptable.

And being gentle? Not something I'd like to experience, I don't like being considerate to you. Though when you cuddle with me and purr? Very odd, especially when you growl at me when I question it. Though I guess it's just you being gentle, something I myself am not proud of.

Your skin is very captivating to me, and that tan does cover your entire body. I find that my hands like running over your skin, especially your muscles. Categorizing each one as I pass, feeling them flex under my fingers. It's one thing that I feel the need to indulge in, especially because you too like to run your hands across my skin. I know you enjoy it when my skin flushes, you'd be pleased to learn that I can't control that certain reaction.

I find I also like your eyes, the deep blue color enchanting. They always seem to be lit with rage or evilness, they are never dull like my own. I almost want to rip them out so I can keep them, though you can't regrow them so I won't. I know you like when I rip my own eyes out, though I don't know how you could enjoy an action like that.

Your wild teal mane also draws me in, how each lock seem to fly everywhere. I like tousling it more then it already is, and though it isn't long enough to tangle I try. I know you enjoy messing with my own, I know you enjoy that spark of anger I show after I learn that I'll have to fix it later. I let that show, because the smug look that comes over your face sends thrills through my body.

The green marks beneath your eyes? I enjoy telling you that they're make up, the rage you display is amusing. I know they are real, I find myself running my fingers over them as you sleep. They are so out there and yet seem to fit you to a 'T', especially the nice green color of them. I think they are very fitting to someone as impulsive as you, though I'd never admit it.

I also find that need to dominate me slightly thrilling, even though I'm obviously stronger. You take me and lay claim to me only because I let you, only because I need it like that. Though I'd never let you go about it the easy way, I fight you back as much as I think is needed. I know it excites you when I fight back, just as it excites me. I make it more of a fight then the intimate act it should be, and we both want... no need it that way.

And the need to mark my skin? I feel the same need, to mark you as well. You bite me and scratch me and bruise me while I myself do the same thing to you. I really enjoy scratching long wounds down your back, it makes you more feral and rougher. Just as I love to bite your throat, knowing that I can and wouldn't try to kill you at the same time thrilling. So we both come out looking a mess, though it's what we need is it not?

This relationship is both painful and pleasurable to us, it is also doomed. It takes our prides, tears them to pieces and leaves it to die. That's what this emotion is though, it's what I found myself stuck with. I feel slightly better to know that I'm not only going through this alone, that you too suffer from this as well.

We'll continue this hopeless relationship, muddling through this emotion they call 'love'. Though knowing you too are trapped makes it so much bearable, misery so does like company. As days go past it's almost as if this relationship has a chance, though we both know it doesn't. It's doomed to fail and wither away, as our emotions do. Eventually I will be free of you, and when that time comes I will be truly at peace. Until that time I will suffer along beside you, because for now you're all I got.

End


	3. Dying thoughts of a psycho couple

**Authors note:** Here is the final installment of 'The feeling that shouldn't exist for us', and I have to say it is the most hardest, saddest and angsty one I've written yet. I would like to thank all those who reviewed, I really appreciate the support. So here is chapter 3, Grimmjow is still talking to himself mentally while Ulquiorra is still speaking to an imaginary Grimmjow, Hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach, nor do I own Ulquiorra or Grimmjow though I would really love too.

* * *

I'm dying, and I know it. That damn shinigami, and that damn fifth Espada. I thought we were allies, and he went and slashed me to pieces. Even my enemy had compassion enough to save me, though it wasn't what I wanted. There goes what's left of my pride, ripped to a million pieces and flushed straight down the drain.

Though it was kind of stupid to bring that stupid shinigami back to life, but I couldn't stand the thought of not being the one to kill him. So I just had to bring him back, and now look where I'm at. Currently bleeding to death as I listen to that orange haired nucence get beat up by the only thing that mattered to me anymore.

At least I was able to get him away from my fight, though it didn't last long. The place I sent him hadn't be able to hold him more then a few hours, though it was something it just wasn't enough. If there was a chance of either of us dying then I wanted it to be me that goes, but now he was fighting Kurosaki and I don't know if he will prevaile.

I've discovered that my feelings for him has changed, all my hate for him is all but gone now. I didn't want to be free of these feelings that bind us together, even though at first it was what I wanted more then anything.

I didn't only have the need to be with him anymore, I've discovered recently I wanted to be with him. The need was no longer overwhelming, because my wanting to be with him was growing. I wanted to be with him, for him to say 'I love you' to me everyday.

I enjoy cuddling with him now, especially when he got that cute little face that says he doesn't understand why I do it. I didn't growl anymore, there really was no point. I enjoyed laying with him, wrapped around him while sharing body heat. I absolutely loved it especially when he closed his eyes and just enjoyed it as well.

I wanted to be possessive as well, wanted to let everyone else know that he's mine. Let them know that they weren't allowed to touch, because only I should be allowed to touch him. I think he finds my possessiveness humorous, I never call him on it. I like that he find humor in anything I did, it means that I had succeeded in some ways.

I wanted to know everything about him, down to the last detail. At first I didn't want to know but now I do, I wanted to learn everything. I wanted to know how he ticked, how he thought, how he worked. It was a want that I long to indulge, though he doesn't share the same sentiments he does.

I loved to run my fingers through his hair, I would do it for hours on end. I enjoyed smoothing out the black locks, letting them slide between my fingers. Their texture and length very appealing to me now, I even like the sort of messy way he had it. I wanted to bury my face in his hair, wanted to smell the unique smell that is only his. I wanted to smooth the knots out, no longer wanting to tangle them up.

I loved his eyes, how their green intensity seems to see right through me. Their unique color almost as strong as his presence, they sent shivers up my spine. I loved how I can put emotion into them, lust, anger, jeolosy, and yes even love. Only I was allowed to do it, and that makes me feel like I was the only one important in his life.

I find now that I slightly dislike his tear marks, they make them look as if he was always crying. To see that makes pain shoot through my chest, I never want to see him hurt enough that he would actually cry. Yes they are still attractive, but what they symbolize is what I hate the most about him now.

Running my hands over his skin was still a temptation I didn't hesitate to indulge, feeling the smoothness of his skin in comparison to my calloused hands was something that I could never tire of feeling. The blush that covered most of his body was something that filled me with pride, knowing that I alone could cause it. It is something that I will remember always, no amount of time could erase it.

His strength still enticed me, all that power packed into a small unassuming body. Yes I still led in the relationship but it was no longer what most would consider a fight, we didn't need to wrestle to get pleasure out of it anymore. For us it became an expression of our love, though that sounds cheesy that was what it was for us.

I no longer felt the need to mark him, at least not viciously. I didn't feel the need to hurt him for our relationship, because it felt like it was worth it now. I actually felt distaste and anger at myself for hurting him, though it confuses him now it's what I felt. I guess it's because we were together and happy there was no need to punish ourselves for our situation anymore. I found myself content in his arms, and I hoped slightly that he did too.

Though now it's too late, I'm dying, laying soaked in my own blood in the sand. The only thing I can think of is him, I know he is nearby I can feel him almost as if he was part of me. He's injured, not too badly at the moment but still it said a lot for the battle. That damn shinigami had gotten stronger, and I don't know if he could win this one.

The thought of him dying is like a stab to the heart, and I don't know if I will be able to handle when his reiatsu flickers and withers away. I know it's coming, it is past time that the Espada are destroyed and we were the ones caught in the damn middle of it. So yes I know death for us is inevitable, I must hope that it is I that goes first, I don't know if I could stand if he was to die first.

So yes our relationship was doomed from the start, but now I find I wish it hadn't been. Wish we would've had more time together, wish that it could go on forever. But it hadn't, and now all I can do is die, and wherever I go wait for him again. Because our relationship might have been doomed, but there is no way this emotion could just die out, all I had to do was wait for him. Something I'd gladly do until my soul is destroyed, because that is the only way to break this bond we forged.

* * *

This is the end, for both of us it seems. I feel you fading far away, and I myself am having trouble seeing straight. Kurosaki was and is stronger then I had originally calculated, it won't take much longer until I am unable to even move. So this is how it will end, me dying by a pathetic piece of trash and you being betrayed by a comrade.

Though if you hadn't brought the shinigami back from the dead in the first place things might of turned out differently... Though I say that I don't condemn you for it, your pride is what makes you an admirable. Trapping me in the caga de negacion though? Now that is the one thing I didn't find justified, I was only trying to stop you from making a grave error.

So Kurosaki was brought back from the dead, you should have just left him where he was. I'm sure you would've been smug if you learned I killed him because you seemed too interested in fighting him, that I was jealous of him taking your attention. But instead I told you I did if for Aizen-sama, and I don't think you were able to handle it. So it's not surprising that you did what you did.

In the last few days we were together I found my disinterest in you had disappeared, I felt nothing but that bond we had together. It might not be what I wanted at first, but now I find myself content with it. Content on being with you everyday, being the one thing that keeps you going and vise versa.

I'm sure you would be surprised to learn that I want to be with you now, that I do it of my own free will now. The need that once consumed me is almost gone, leaving behind the warm feeling of wanting to be with you. I know you will be shocked if you ever learned of it, so I'll just keep that bit to myself for now.

Tenderness is a given now, showing affection my still be hard for me but I manage. You make it look easy, all you have to do is cuddle up to me and purr and I find myself melt into you. It still confuses me how you can be so open with your gentleness but I like it, though you'll never hear it from me.

Being possessive now is much more intense then it was when we first started out, now that I know things about you that I want no one else knowing I feel I have to keep you all to myself. It might be slightly annoying to get jealous at everybody you talk to it's still worth being with you, even if I have to stop myself from saying 'mine' to everybody when around you.

By now I've learned everything about you, down to what shampoo you use. I know your thoughts, your feelings, your impulses, everything there is to know about you. I still feel reserve at letting you know everything about me, but it is only fair considering that I demand the same from you.

As always your hair was one of the first things that always caught my eye, I could spot it blindfolded, at night, during a sandstorm. It's dazzling color and outrageous style is so uniquely you and I would never want it to change. I loved the texture, slightly thicker then it looks, it makes running my fingers through it more enticing.

Your eyes had also seem to get more alluring each day, watching the emotions expressed in them almost as enticing as watching your expressions change. The blue intensity of them alone sent shivers up my spine, and when they were focused on me alone? Made me feel as if I am the only being in your world, they were almost the exact opposite of my cold green ones.

I still tell you that the green marks under your eyes are make up, though now you take no offence. We both know that's my way of saying that I approve of them, even if it is a twisted way of saying it. To me they look perfect on you, and I would never want them to change, no matter what. They are a integrated part of you, without them you would look as if you were missing something vital.

Your body is forever burned into my brain, from each and every muscle down to every bone. If someone put clay in front of me I could easily sculpt an exact rendition of your body, that is how much I studied your physique. It was interesting to me to the point of obsession, I had to know every muscle, how it moved and flexed, how it shifted, everything. Your tan was another thing I couldn't help but admire, giving your body a glow as if it was kissed by the sun.

I still feel the thrill when you take the lead in our relationship, though you don't do it so viciously anymore. The fight had all but left our bonding, and though it's shocking, it's actually better to me. I didn't feel the need to fight back anymore, because it was an expression of so much more.

The thought of injuring you like I had now causes more distress then anything, the thought of marking you painfully hurtful. It confused me that you don't mark me like you used to, until I realized how much I disliked hurting you. There is no need to punish you for getting yourself into this mess, so there was no need to punish me either. We were both were we had wanted to be.

But there will be no more worrying, no more pleasure, no more US. I feel you dying, and know that I'm not far behind. I am all but dead now, a large part of me gone. That last blast of Kurosaki's taking out a large portion of my body, it was painful but that was nothing compared to what I was feeling inside. Despair, sadness, emptiness, all for you at the thought of you dying. How badly I wanted to go to you, but in my state I might not make it three feet.

Out of no where I feel you flicker away, your soul leaving this world before I could get to you. My world froze, my body trembling slightly. The Inoue girl said something to me about a heart and I unconsciously reached towards you, in the same direction in which she was standing.

As I begun to dissolve into nothing I found I felt okay, knowing that wherever you were going that I would follow. You are my heart, and no matter where you hide I will always find you. I know that you will be there for me, no matter where you went. So just wait for me, then we'll be together…

...

...

Forever.

End


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